So I finally had my first date in four years last weekend. So how did it go, you ask? Think Titanic , The Poseidon Adventure, The Towering Inferno (hint-these are all DISASTER movies)! Yeah, not so great! First he’s twenty minutes late (caught in freeway traffic–truth or lie?) and I’m thinking: “I’ve been stood up and he doesn’t even know what I look like!” Not the best of starts. But it gives me time to down a margarita for courage.

I do wonder why guys that are younger than me look older but everyone says I don’t look my age. I don’t want to base my impressions on looks because I want someone who is more than a “pretty face”. I’m looking for a sense of humor that can match mine (That’s really hard to find!!!!), a good heart, honesty, kindness. (Sounds like every personal ad online, doesn’t it.) O.K. I admit that great SEX does factor in there somewhere!!!!! (Homo horde, cover your eyes for that. I know that is just too much info for you about your MOM!!!)

We are both nervous, not sure what to talk about or where our boundaries should be but we manage to get through dinner without either of us running screaming from the building. We talk about “safe” topics, our work, families, hobbies and I’m thinking, “It’s so much easier to just stay home with the dogs; lonely but easy.” It always feels like you are playing truth or dare with someone new. It is REALLY HARD to get to know someone new!!! Remember how easy it is to be with someone you have known for years? THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THAT!!!!!

We take a drive in the moonlight and talk and I’m thinking, “How much of this can I really believe?” without being gullible. I really want to be fair but I don’t want to be DUMB!! But he sounds like he is a nice guy and that counts with me. He actually opens the door for you! That’s different!

Maybe the problem is at my age when you start dating again; you have way too much PAST to haunt you. (Remember, I don’t pick men well–see Romance and Trash Cans). So I guess I tend to look for something wrong with every guy I meet (the proverbial other shoe dropping so to speak). Maybe I spend so much time analyzing every word trying to figure out what is the truth and what is the lie, trying to figure out the angle (what does he really want) that I don’t give a guy a chance. (Mind you when he is trying to reach your tonsils with his tongue; it’s pretty obvious what his angle is.)

But for a moment in time, I felt attractive, desirable, valuable and it’s been a long time since I felt that. That can’t be a bad thing can it? Will there be more dates? Probably, maybe with him; maybe with someone else but I know that after four years of staying in isolation, I’m ready to get out there and live the rest of my life! Hopefully it will get easier and more comfortable. I hope I can stop analyzing so much and just enjoy the company!!! Life’s too short to spend it alone!!!!

I guess you should know that when it comes to picking men, I SUCK!!! Don’t get me wrong, I would love to find a guy to spend some time with but I’m not sure I have the energy for the whole dating scene anymore. First there’s the problem-Where do you meet new guys?? I go to work and then come home. At work the only guy in the place is the CEO and at home the only “guy” is Wishbone!! I don’t hang out in bars and I’m not sure I would find much there anyway. When you go to a new church, it seems that the only single men are either in their twenties or have one foot in the grave.

If you finally do meet a guy with potential, then comes the part where you have to work to get to know him. You know; you try to look good to him while he is busy trying to look good to you!! And you both are trying to figure out which parts are the lies!! (Bitter; party of one)! O.K. maybe my past experiences are clouding my judgment a bit!

But I have spent way too much time trying to please men in my life. Start with husband number one! He was (and I mean this in a NICE way) a total control freak!! At sixteen that wasn’t so bad but when he decided to start a business where he was always gone; it just wasn’t working anymore! I was a stay at home wife and mother and that was fine until the kids grew up. But then I was alone at home without a “purpose” in life. I decided to go back to school and that’s when the shit hit the fan so to speak! Mr. Control Freak was not happy with that (or my “rebellion” I got a second hole pierced in my ears! Obviously grounds for divorce!!!) So hasta la vista baby!!

Enter husband number two (Remember!! Repeat after me!! NEVER MARRY YOUR REBOUND GUY!!!!!) He was totally different than my first husband except for one small thing. ANOTHER TOTAL CONTROL FREAK!!!!!! (Tragic foreshadowing!!!)His biggest problem was that he was the kind of guy that is sure that if he settles down with you, something better is going to come along and he might miss out on the woman of his dreams!! To him I was the consolation prize!! Not a good place to be. He wasn’t really willing to put any effort into the relationship (he’d rather be fishing or watching basketball) and I was exhausted trying to do everything myself! So enter divorce number two!! (One more strike and I’m out!!!)

So I start dating an old friend I used to work with. Twelve years younger than me! Seems like a nice guy! He’s Mr. practical as in “so tight he squeaks”!! By the third date he’s telling me how he can’t afford to take me out every week!! So do I say “screw you” and walk out! NO!!! I start to cook for him and do his laundry etc. (HELP DR PHIL!!!!!). All I really want is a little ROMANCE in my life! HA!! I was already hooked on the fatal flaw most women fall for at least once (MY LOVE CAN CHANGE HIM!!) If you are in a relationship where you are thinking this—RUN!! Christmas comes around and what do you think Mr. Romance gets for me. Brace yourself for this one! A trash can for the kitchen and it isn’t even the right color for my kitchen decor (Remember when they shop for you at Big Lots or the Dollar Store; you take what is a closeout color!) That’s not all I got. He also brought me five pounds of pinto beans! Yes! He is quite a catch!!!

So after dating him for two years, fortunately we have a fight!! I ask him where he sees our relationship going and his answer is, “Why are you putting me on the spot like that??” Easy choice to move on finally!! Now we are both OFF the spot!

Where does a woman find a man with a little romance in his soul? After all, I’m not dead yet! My family hasn’t come up with any, my homo horde has not come up with any, my friends are in the same boat as I am (looking for Mr. Right; finding Mr. All That’s Left!!). I’m beginning to think that men who know how to treat a lady are extinct (or like Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster, no one has been able to prove they really exist!!) But I keep hoping that somewhere out there is my Mister Right. I just hope I find him before I’m too old to see what he looks like!!!

I discovered a frightening truth last week when I sat down to blog. I’m not just OCD; I’m also a little (o.k. more than a little!) ADD!! I didn’t realize that the two went together. I think this discovery could be a scientific breakthrough! I may have to become a psychologist to understand myself (or call Dr. Phil!)

So I sit down at the computer and start to blog and I’m thinking, “I probably should read my email first.” So I get out of the blog and go to Outlook and start to read my email. I’m reading my email and realize that I have a lot of old emails that I was saving to read recipes and etc at a later date. I think I should really go through those old emails and copy what I want to keep and delete the rest. And I realize that I am doing the same thing I do in my house. I”m FOREVER SORTING STUFF!!!!!

This happens to me all the time. I start a simple project and my mind wanders off in ten directions. Here’s an example. I decided to change the curtains in the back office. I had some hunter green swags that Shelley (my niece) had in the garage sale. I thought they would be good back in the office and would let in more light. So I take down the old curtains and put them up. Simple, project done right? OH NO! Then I remember that I have some green paint in the basement that would go good in there and I think I should paint the walls. Then I look at the ceiling and decide if I am going to paint the walls , the ceiling is going to need painted too. But that is still not the end!! Then I think, “I really want to strip the paint off of the woodwork and the window frames to see if the wood is good. And I really need to sand down the wood floor and touch up the finish.” Then I have to stop long enough to go to Lowes for ceiling paint and wood stripper and all the assorted supplies that go with the project. OH DR PHIL! HELP!!!!! And here’s the kicker!!! By the time I get home with all the stuff I need, it”s really too late to start such a big project so I decide I should just go back to cleaning the house!!!!!! I blame Shelley for this. She should never have put those swags in the garage sale!!!!!! Blameshifting started in the garden of Eden( It wasn’t me-it was that chick you gave me! Don’t blame me-it was the snake!)

It wouldn’t be so bad if this were an isolated incident but this is the STORY OF MY LIFE! I decide to clean in the bedroom and think, “I should go through the clothes in the closet and get rid of the ones that don’t fit.” So I start to pull all the clothes out of the closet and then decide I should go through the shoes and purses. So then I decide I want to switch the purse I am using with one of these, so I get my purse and switch all the stuff and then I have to sort out the junk in my purse and then I decide I should get back to the closet. But I can’t get rid of that cool shirt because about twenty pounds from now I will fit back in it and I think if the bed were on the other wall, it would look better and I guess you get the picture!!!!!

I didn’t realize that my OCD was so closely tied to ADD. No wonder I start so many projects that never get finished. I guess it’s just my way of trying to control SOMETHING in my life. I mean, let’s face it. Most of our lives are basically OUT OF CONTROL. Things happen that are totally unexpected!! This is tough to take if you have any form of OCD. Fortunately, I have dogs to keep me grounded in reality (or some semblance of reality)! They look at me when I start this cycle of insanity as if to say’, “My God! What are you doing!! We could all be sitting on the sofa with a movie and some popcorn!!! The house is PERFECT just the way it is!!!” So what should we watch- a comedy, some action, a chick flick? Whoa!!! I really need to sort out those DVDs and get them organized. But by actor or by genre or maybe alphabetically?????

I can’t imagine my life without a dog in it. When I was a child, we were not allowed to have pets in the house. My Mother did not like them or allow them in the house. When I was married the first time, my ex husband did not want the responsibility of a dog. He always promised our youngest daughter that she could have a dog when we finally had a house and he was hopping mad when I made him keep that promise for Samantha’s eighth birthday!!!

Then after my second divorce, my son-in-law got me a puppy for Valentine’s Day. That was my “Angel” and she has been with me for eight years now. When my daughter and son-in-law picked up Angel for me, they ended up getting her brother, Wishbone. Now he lives with Angel and me. As I write this, Wishbone is curled up at my feet and Angel is laying behind my chair.

Dogs bring so much joy to my life (cleaning up poop in the yard, barf on the carpet–O.K. it’s not all fun and games!!!). I don’t understand people who don’t have dogs or want them! They really don’t know what they are missing! People with pets are generally in better health, they have lower blood pressure (unless they have a Jack Russell Terrier-see Set Up To Fail) and they have a purpose.

Dogs accept you just the way you are with all your warts, blemishes, and faults. They don’t care if your hair is standing straight up in the morning (I’m pretty sure mine is caused by sleeping on the top of my head although I haven’t figured out how I manage to get in that position), they don’t care if you look scary without your makeup (who needs a Halloween mask) , they don’t care if you are twenty pounds overweight (they will snack with you anytime), they still love you when you are grumpy, and they don’t care how “successful” you are!!!

If you have ever wanted to know how it feels to be a “movie star”, get yourself a dog. Because every time you come home, you will be treated as if you were one. Wishbone is on the sofa with his front paws up on the arm by the door and it is not just his tail wagging-his WHOLE BODY wags! Angel is right there at the door and her tail and hindquarters are wagging (it”s a little harder for her; she has more to wag than Wishbone). They greet you with an enthusiasm that is hard to match. (Hence, the reason I have dogs and NOT a husband!) Wishbone gets so excited he cannot contain himself and he barks, talks, and sings to me (Thank God he doesn’t pee when he’s excited!!). And here’s the AMAZING part-it doesn’t matter if you have been gone five minutes or five hours or five days–the greeting is the same!!!! I know what it feels like to be Julia Roberts!!

If you can own a dog and still suffer from an extremely low self esteem; PLEASE call Dr. Phil!! You have SERIOUS issues!! To your dog you are the most important person on the planet!! You are the most beautiful creature ever created; you are incredibly intelligent and every word that is uttered from your mouth is profound!! Your very presence brings great joy (Oh keeper of the treats!). So move over Julia Roberts!! Roll out the red carpet—I’m home!!

Wishbone is a very energetic little dog. He has an extremely typical “Jack Russell terrier” personality. He is my daughter’s dog but he is living with me and has been for about two years now. During my daughter’s divorce, she was working three jobs and didn’t have much time to be home with Wishbone and her other dog, Sammie. As much as she misses Wishbone, she put his best interests first.

Now Wishbone can be a little bit mischievous (o.k. a lot). He gets bored easily and tends to get into trouble when he is alone for long periods of time. When he was living with my daughter, he was always getting into things she left lying around the house. He likes to eat used kleenex (nothing like a good booger) so he is notorious for digging them out of the trash. He has munched numerous tubes of Carmex, packs of gum and candy. He even managed to swallow the scrunchies she used for her ponytail only to throw them up later! He had accidents in the house. She was running on very little sleep and less patience. When I talked to her on the phone, she always told me what a bad dog he was!!

My daughter and I have a different style of “housekeeping”. She is what I call “relaxed” in her housekeeping style and my style is well– OCD!!!!! So I wasn’t sure what to expect when Wishbone came here to live. I had heard all the horror stories about this “no no bad dog”!! I was prepared for an adjustment period for both of us. At first, I could see why she called him a bad dog because there were accidents in the house but as he adjusted and we began to adhere to a schedule, he relaxed and the accidents stopped.

There were some slip ups. I came home for lunch one day to find that he had decided it would be fun to unroll the toilet paper in the bathroom. Totally-my fault!!! The toilet paper roll is just above the trash can and I’m sure it caught his eye when he was scouting the trash for kleenex!! After a few of these episodes of trash on the floor and toilet paper torn up in the hallway; I decided the best course of action was to close the bathroom door when I left the house.

There was the time I left a loaf of bread on the dining room table for my son to take home with him. We left the house to run some errands and the bread “left” the table while we were gone. Also, totally my fault!! I should not tempt him with food within his reach.

As his mischief decreased, I would tell my daughter that she lied about poor Wishbone–he was not a BAD dog. and every time I did, he would do something to prove me wrong. But his destructive nature was improving. He is a dog who needs a schedule and he needs to have someone home to spend lots of time with him. Fortunately, since I have “no life” this works out rather well. My life is very predictable. Most days I go to work, come home for lunch, go back to work, come home and fall asleep on the sofa in front of the television.

The really BIG slip up was when I was getting Christmas boxes ready to mail to my girls. I had all the stocking stuffer gifts and candy sorted into individual boxes so that I could assemble the stockings and take them to UPS. Now these were not flimsy boxes, these were boxes that eggs are shipped in to Kroger stores. THEY ARE THICK!!!! And I stacked them upstairs so they would be out of sight!! Obviously not a problem; perfectly safe. Imagine my surprise when I arrive home for lunch to see candy wrappers strewn around the living room and in the hallway. At first it just doesn’t register with my brain that these wrappers came from the boxes upstairs. THOSE ARE THICK BOXES!!!! But upon further investigation, I discovered that those boxes were not THICK ENOUGH to keep Wishbone out of them. He had dug a hole in the side of one of the boxes and managed to drag some of the candy out. And he was rather proud of his accomplishment and seemed astonished when I didn’t feel the same way! Oh, no no bad dog!!!!! Still totally my fault!!!

There was also one time I still don’t understand. My son came to do some crafts at the house while I was working. He brought a container with tubes of seed beads and set them on the dining room table. He then took the boxes to UPS to mail for me. He was greeted upon his return to open tubes of seed beads and beads all over the floor. I don’t get this one–the beads didn’t smell like food or boogers!!! I guess they just happened to catch Wishbone’s eye or this move was for spite. I haven’t exactly figured it out yet!!! But needless to say, we had some very sparkling poop piles for a few days!!!! (I haven’t figured out HOW this one is my fault but I’m sure it is!)

We have not had ANY episodes for eight months or so now. I figured out what the problem was!! Wishbone only gets in trouble when he has been SET UP TO FAIL! If you leave sometime within his reach or forget to close the bathroom door; that is when he gets into trouble!! It’s a set up!!! If you check the house carefully before you leave and PUPPY PROOF (This takes some work. You have to learn to think like a dog. What looks interesting to a dog!!) all areas, he is a good dog all day!!!!! It has taken some time, but Wishbone was patient and he FINALLY has me trained!!!! Remember there are no bad dogs–only dogs who have been set up to fail!!!!!!!

I have been single for over nine years and on my own. I have learned that I am capable of doing tasks that I always thought were “mens” jobs. So when I bought my house, I was confident in my ability to handle home repairs and small remodeling projects. I bought some “How To” books with plumbing, electrical, and remodeling instructions (step by step with photos). Now I just needed some tools and I would be set.

Now I was surprised to learn that people “stereotype” single women with tools. Even my “gay entourage”! (my son loves power tools and always says that he is a lesbian trapped in a gay man’s body!!!) I admit that I am more comfortable in a pair of jeans than a skirt, and I LIKE comfortable shoes; but does shopping for tools determine a person’s sexual orientation? It’s true that after my two divorces I was somewhat disillusioned with men and I thought that maybe being a lesbian was the way to go (I was convinced that every woman needs a wife; some one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, shops for groceries, and LISTENS when you have something to say!) but I never gave any serious thought to the notion. I vaguely remember that I did find one thing that men were good for (well some of them anyway)!

But I always teased my sister by telling her I needed to find a tool belt. (It is a handy way to ensure that the tools you need are at hand.) Imagine my surprise when I went to the neighborhood garage sale in Columbus in my son’s neighborhood and found the tool belt of my dreams. Gray, suede, enough slots for all the necessary tool items, and a flashlight was included for the bargain price of $2.00!!!!! I don’t think that it helps the stereotype that I bought my tool belt from a very nice lesbian couple who lived around the corner from my son. Now I am set to start my “projects”!

My house was built in 1930 and I decided to pull up the old carpet to see what kind of shape the wood floors were in. This is a job I know! My second ex-husband installs carpet and I have experience!!! I pull out the old carpet (wow, I forgot how much work is involved!) and find that the wood floors are nice but need a little sanding and refinishing. I decided I need to get a belt sander so I put this on my Christmas wish list. Now I should tell you that my sister is totally opposed to getting me this item. For some strange reason, she seems to think I will hurt myself with power tools!! I will admit that I am not the most “graceful” person and I have had some mishaps but she is totally overreacting!!!! She has even gone so far as to tell my son that he cannot keep his power tools in my basement where I have access to them (older sisters can be so “controlling”)!!!

I’m sure that her reaction has nothing to do with me cutting my hand with a kitchen knife when I was trying to cut a watermelon!!! (Thus the reason I am not allowed to cut the tomatoes when we can tomato juice. See Empty Jars and Paybacks.)That is a totally different thing! Watermelon rind is tough to cut through and my kitchen knives are not sharp enough!!!! I love watermelon and am not ready to give it up, so my sister and I go shopping. I think I need to look for a better knife!!! We decide to check out Big Lots and are browsing when I find the perfect solution!!! There is a saw on clearance and I’m sure that baby will make short work of a watermelon rind!!!!

I tell my sister my “revelation” and she is not enthused about my idea. She seems to think I will cut through my watermelon, and countertop, and possibly chop off my hand!!! She really does have a VIVID imagination!!!!! She not only forbids me to buy my “watermelon” saw but she tells me I cannot go shopping in Big Lots BY MYSELF because I can”t be trusted around power tools!!!!! Now she has gone too far. I assure her that I will go to Big Lots without her and I will buy my saw if I want to!!! So she brings out her big guns and threatens to call my son. (Now this is the son I am counting on to take care of me in my old age. This is the son who will take away my car keys when I am no longer able to drive safely.) This is certainly an abuse of power on her part!!!! But what can I do? I agree not to buy the saw.

I know that my sister thinks she has won but I did get a belt sander for Christmas!! She may have won the battle but I WILL win the war!!!!!! I need to go cut my watermelon now. I’m sure my son’s circular saw in the basement will do the job with ease!!!!!!!

So tomorrow is Monday and back to work. I spent another Sunday cleaning prints off the mirrored closet doors in the bedroom about a foot from the ground. Did you ever wonder what your dog is doing all day while you work?? (O.K.-too much time on my hands!)

I know their routine on the weekends when I’m home with them. Get up, go out, have a treat because we went out, eat breakfast, alternate napping on the sofa, the bed, and the floor, go out again, have another treat because we went out again! Angel watches out the window in the bedroom from her prone position on the bed and she will bark loudly if any person or animal is in view within a twelve foot perimeter of “her” area. If she sounds serious, Wishbone will jump up and come to her aid with a volley of barks!! (It’s good to know someone has your back!!) So it is obvious that they are “on the job” seven days a week as “security”!! Or are they? I started to wonder, “Do they really guard the house like this when I am at work or are they just working weekends because the BOSS is watching”? This would not be the first dog we have owned who tried to fool me into believing he was a watchdog. My daughter had a dog when she was a little girl who barked at the door when someone came in (at least he did when we were home.) But when we came home he would peek around from behind something to see who was coming in and THEN would start to bark when he saw that it was us!!! (Yeah! I’m guarding the house!!! Whew! I’m glad that’s not a burglar!!!!)

So what are they really up to while I am at work and what are those noseprints all about?? Are they having other dogs over for wild parties?? Are they making out with their own reflections??? Are they wondering if Timmy fell in the well again???? I’m pretty sure I have figured out where those noseprints are coming from.

Angel is a little (o.k. more than a little) overweight. She has been called (by her vet mind you) a cylinder. Now don’t get me wrong, I am beginning to develop a bit of a “cylinder” around my middle. But I (unlike Angel) am bothered by it. She is not in the least upset about being a cylinder. THAT IS THE LOOK SHE WAS GOING FOR!!!!! So I know that she is admiring herself in that mirror everyday! She is prancing and turning and looking over her shoulder to check out her backside and she is saying to Wishbone, “Does this fur coat make my butt look big?” Wishbone,on the other hand, is so hyper that he burns his calories off. But I know that he is looking in the mirror and admiring his muscular physique. He is posturing like a bodybuilder and saying to Angel, “Check out my pecs and my six pack!” And that is where the noseprints on the mirrors are coming from!! I’m sure I am not the ONLY person not there with vain dogs.!!!!

Sometimes, I wish I could be a little more like my dogs. They don’t struggle with their self image, they don’t compare themselves unfavorably to other dogs, they don’t wonder what their purpose in life is, they aren’t embarrassed when they miss the bed on the first jump, and they certainly don’t worry about how they look (except when my daughter buys them some silly jacket or Santa hat and takes their picture in it)!!!

Maybe we could all take a few lessons from our dogs in letting go of life’s worries and frustrations and just learn to enjoy the simple pleasures in life; a warm breeze, a peaceful nap, a good meal, a loving pat on the head, or a good belly rub!!! Dogs instinctively know that life is too short to be taken so seriously!!!!

The weatherman is predicting thunderstorms tonight which to other people means we will get some much needed rain. To me it means a sleepless night. My dogs are terrified of thunder. Now I’m not saying they are high strung but–THEY ARE HIGH STRUNG!!! Brother and sister, Wishbone and Angel; they are part Chihauhau and part Jack Russell terrier.

When there is thunder or fireworks (or in my neighborhood-gunshots!), Angel runs from room to room and barks to scare the noise away; Wishbone on the other hand-shakes!!! (It’s like having “Magic Fingers” on the bed without spending any quarters!) And they both pant! It sounds like a marathon obscene phone call!!!! The vet has given me tranquilizers for them but you need to give them two hours prior to the storm for them to take effect. They take these when they have to go for a vet visit and I hate to “drug” them if I can avoid it.

When I do use the tranquilizers, the poor dogs look like they have a hangover for the next 24 hours. They look like I felt when my doctor gave me sleeping pills to try and I felt hung over the next morning. So I spend a lot of sleepless nights since in a normal year, we get a lot of rain!!!! Not so smart to move to the Midwest, (see How Cold Is It) but I never claimed to be “smart”!

It can be comical to see these poor dogs with glazed eyes and I know what they want to say, “Wow, don’t eat that cheese. We got some BAD cheese!!!” Angel lays on the floor and I know she is watching the room spin! Wishbone is glued to my side or climbs in my lap. Angel gets up and looks at the sofa and says’ “Whoa, that is a long way up. Nope! I can’t make that jump!!!!” and lays back down on the floor. Wishbone stands up and tries to walk and says, ” No way! I can’t feel my legs!!!” and climbs back in my lap. Let’s just say, It’s a good thing they aren’t required to walk a straight line for the cops!!!!!

They look at me as if to say, “That’s some good stuff!!!! I’m seeing in color!!” So I start to wonder–When dogs hallucinate; what do they see?? Giant cats? Dog eating squirrels?? Cars small enough to catch??? And then of course, there is the munchies they get. “DUDE!!! I need some Milk Bones or something. I need to EAT!!!!!! Next thing I know they will be hooked and trying to score some Acepromazine from the neighbor dogs!!! (How many milk bones for some of that FUNKY CHEESE?)

I wanted to paint a picture for you so you will recognize the signs if your dog is stoned! This is your dog on drugs!!!! DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR DOG!!!!!!!

So I got home from canning tomato juice Saturday and decided it was time to rearrange some furniture in my house. I mean-it’s probably been a month since I changed things around! Much too long!!!!

I have been changing furniture around since I was a kid. Mom says I used to scoot the furniture in my room around so much I scraped the varnish off the wood floors. (I’m pretty sure there were some changes I wanted to make in the womb). It was easy to satisfy my urge for change when I was married to my first ex-husband because we moved about every six months and I could start fresh with a brand new house or apartment!!! Fortunately, my ex-husband was not a big drinker and didn’t fall over furniture when he walked in the house at night in the dark!

The problem with my urge to rearrange now is that I have too many books and DVDs. (I’ve been told that but I’m sure it’s not true. You can NEVER have too many books or DVDs. IF my OCD is manifested in hording, I guess it would be books and DVDS that I horde; well books, DVDS, and body wash!) I had decided to move the computer back into the living room since that is the room I use the most. (I mean that is the room where I fall asleep on the couch when I sit down at night!) My sister was quick to point out that I had moved my computer everywhere. It has been upstairs in the loft room, then in the second bedroom I used for an office, then in the living room, and then back in the office. (Great minds always face opposition. It just makes us stronger).

My living room is difficult to arrange. It is longer than it is wide and has an arch to the dining room, a fireplace, a closet, an arch to the stairs, and the front door. This difficulty is compounded by the fact that my entertainment center is large. There is a middle section for the TV and components and attached bookshelves on both sides. It takes a whole wall and my living room only has two. But I will NOT be defeated. I have an IDEA!!! So I call my sister and tell her, “I have this great idea to arrange my furniture!” Her response is, “Oh No! What are you going to do!” (I do feel that this is an unfair response. Some of my ideas are quite good!!)

I have decided to move the entertainment center into my bedroom! Brilliant!! Why didn’t I think of it sooner? I start by moving the TV equipment to a corner TV stand and the dogs go into panic mode!! (They are concerned about this because this kind of activity usually involves getting out the vacuum cleaner!!) As I start moving hundreds of DVDs off of the entertainment center, they look at each other as if to say, “Oh my God!!! There she goes again! She needs help!!! She is just not right in the head! If I had fingers, I would call 911!!! We can’t dial the phone!!! Oh Lord, WHERE IS DR. PHIL!!!!! But they quickly get on board to help by running back and forth from room to room and panting. (At least, I think they are trying to help and not really trying to trip me!)

I get the entertainment center emptied (no small feat!) and start to move it with the help of some super sliders. (I used to move this monster all the time but it seems so much heavier now!! I’m lucky to get the thing lifted enough to use the super sliders. But it is not because of the “old crone” reference. I AM NOT OLD!!!) I move it to the bedroom and there is my first problem. My house was built in 1930 and the doorways are small! It gets stuck in my bedroom doorway and I’m thinking to myself (or not so much to myself as I vent my feelings to the dogs), “This thing is going through this door, if I have to get my son’s circular saw from the basement and chop off the end!!!!” Now the dogs are quick to come to my rescue by jumping up on the bed!!! I discover that the problem is not the entertainment center but the super sliders are sticking out too far. So I adjust the sliders and get the entertainment center in the door (barely) and into the bedroom! I then proceed to move the computer desk and printer stand into the living room and the bookcase from the bedroom into the office bedroom along with the exercise bike. Now I have a mess in the house of books and DVDs to return to their rightful places. The dogs look at me as if to say, “You really should lie down until these crazy ideas go away!” (At this point, I concede that they may be right!”)

I get the books, DVDS, and assorted photos and knick knacks back to their places, hook up the computer, and realize that it is 12:30 and time to get some sleep. I can no longer feel my feet or legs!!! But I am satisfied with the fruit of my labor. I like the new arrangement. (at least I like it this week!!!) And my brother in law only has to drill another hole through from the basement for the cable. (It will soon look like I have gophers in the house.) All in all, a productive, crazy day.

My sister (OCD #1) told me that we needed to get tomatoes and can some tomato juice last Saturday. I will be the first to admit that our home canned juice has a much better flavor than store bought but the process really intensifies my OCD.

We had decided that we would not pick up Mom (she who must complain) to help us. We wouldn’t tell her that we were doing the tomato juice. My sister borrowed my Aunt’s canning pressure cooker and had my brother-in-law bring the canning supplies up from the basement. Big mistake!!! When my Mother was at my sister’s house on Thursday to stay with my Granny while my sister was at work, she saw all the canning supplies. She told my sister that we would need her to take care of Granny while we worked and to help us. This was not part of the plan!!!!! But of course my sister’s overly active guilt response kicked into high gear. So she tells Mom that she will let her know on Saturday morning if we need her help.

My sister(Miss I’m guilty) convinces herself that Mom (Miss nothing will ever please me) will be hurt if we don’t include her. So bright and early (not before nine o’clock so Mom doesn’t have to get up too early) I’m on my way to pick up Mom and start the canning process. Don’t get me wrong. I was up early to help my neighbor get her garage sale ready to open. (Sleep is highly overrated.) I get to Mom’s apartment to pick her up and she says’ “I guess I’m put together. Linda said last night you didn’t need me so I didn’t get up and get moving.” The words of someone who will be hurt if we don’t include her!

When we get to my sister’s (she who must try to do everything without any help), she has tomatoes already cooking and ready to be mashed. The tomato mashing is my job. It’s the only job I’m allowed to do. I can’t cut the tomatoes because I can be scary with a knife (we will return to this subject at a later time). Mom and my sister cut the tomatoes and stir them while they are cooking. I am not allowed to carry the boiling tomatoes to the table where the mashing will take place because of my reputation for being a bit clumsy(See Tuck and Roll).

I begin my job of mashing tomatoes to extract the juice. But my OCD will not let me just extract the juice and throw away the pulp. I must mash every bit of moisture from the tomatoes. When I am done there is very little pulp left, just some skin and a few seeds. I will find a way some day to liquidize that skin!!!!! Oops! My OCD is showing. I decide that turning that handle to mash the tomatoes is going to be a good workout for my flabby upper arms and then I realize that only one arm is getting a workout! So now the only exercise I’m getting is going to leave me looking lopsided!! So I put everything into it and go for a full body workout. I add some waist and leg action as everyone laughs at me(as usual).

Now my niece (who owes me a kidney) stops by and visits with us for a while. Her husband calls her to see if she is coming home soon and she says to him, “I am on my way. I was just visiting with the “OLD CRONES”!! Now I take offense to that kind of language. I for one am not nor will I ever be “AN OLD CRONE”!!! I remind her that she is just two years away from 40 and I intend to remember that comment and there will be a payback on her 40th birthday!!!! I let her know that the 40’s are middle-aged and that she is almost there. She doesn’t like to hear this but discipline is never fun! (I don’t think she is worried since I forget what I was going to the basement for by the time I get down the stairs.) But we “old crones” do remember for years the things that require payback of some kind!!! Wait until your birthday in two years, Shelley!!!!!!!!

So we finish canning two and a half bushels of tomatoes and have 41 quarts of tomato juice, more than enough to get us through the winter until next canning season. But my OCD is not satisfied because there is a countertop full of empty jars. I tell my sister that we need to get another two and a half bushels to can to fill those empty jars. She thinks I am insane (I’m sure she will have me committed one day). How can she not understand–You can’t put those jars back in the basement EMPTY!!!!! No one shares my pain at those empty jars and they are adamant that we are not canning more tomato juice. Somehow I must fill those empty jars! They are calling to me from my sister’s basement. How can she sleep with those jars making so much noise!!!!! I know! I will buy green beans from the farmer’s market. We will can fresh green beans to fill those jars.!! My nephew, Kevin will surely come for dinner if I open a jar of fresh green beans for him instead of a store boughten can!!!!!! PERFECT!