I guess you should know that when it comes to picking men, I SUCK!!! Don’t get me wrong, I would love to find a guy to spend some time with but I’m not sure I have the energy for the whole dating scene anymore. First there’s the problem-Where do you meet new guys?? I go to work and then come home. At work the only guy in the place is the CEO and at home the only “guy” is Wishbone!! I don’t hang out in bars and I’m not sure I would find much there anyway. When you go to a new church, it seems that the only single men are either in their twenties or have one foot in the grave.

If you finally do meet a guy with potential, then comes the part where you have to work to get to know him. You know; you try to look good to him while he is busy trying to look good to you!! And you both are trying to figure out which parts are the lies!! (Bitter; party of one)! O.K. maybe my past experiences are clouding my judgment a bit!

But I have spent way too much time trying to please men in my life. Start with husband number one! He was (and I mean this in a NICE way) a total control freak!! At sixteen that wasn’t so bad but when he decided to start a business where he was always gone; it just wasn’t working anymore! I was a stay at home wife and mother and that was fine until the kids grew up. But then I was alone at home without a “purpose” in life. I decided to go back to school and that’s when the shit hit the fan so to speak! Mr. Control Freak was not happy with that (or my “rebellion” I got a second hole pierced in my ears! Obviously grounds for divorce!!!) So hasta la vista baby!!

Enter husband number two (Remember!! Repeat after me!! NEVER MARRY YOUR REBOUND GUY!!!!!) He was totally different than my first husband except for one small thing. ANOTHER TOTAL CONTROL FREAK!!!!!! (Tragic foreshadowing!!!)His biggest problem was that he was the kind of guy that is sure that if he settles down with you, something better is going to come along and he might miss out on the woman of his dreams!! To him I was the consolation prize!! Not a good place to be. He wasn’t really willing to put any effort into the relationship (he’d rather be fishing or watching basketball) and I was exhausted trying to do everything myself! So enter divorce number two!! (One more strike and I’m out!!!)

So I start dating an old friend I used to work with. Twelve years younger than me! Seems like a nice guy! He’s Mr. practical as in “so tight he squeaks”!! By the third date he’s telling me how he can’t afford to take me out every week!! So do I say “screw you” and walk out! NO!!! I start to cook for him and do his laundry etc. (HELP DR PHIL!!!!!). All I really want is a little ROMANCE in my life! HA!! I was already hooked on the fatal flaw most women fall for at least once (MY LOVE CAN CHANGE HIM!!) If you are in a relationship where you are thinking this—RUN!! Christmas comes around and what do you think Mr. Romance gets for me. Brace yourself for this one! A trash can for the kitchen and it isn’t even the right color for my kitchen decor (Remember when they shop for you at Big Lots or the Dollar Store; you take what is a closeout color!) That’s not all I got. He also brought me five pounds of pinto beans! Yes! He is quite a catch!!!

So after dating him for two years, fortunately we have a fight!! I ask him where he sees our relationship going and his answer is, “Why are you putting me on the spot like that??” Easy choice to move on finally!! Now we are both OFF the spot!

Where does a woman find a man with a little romance in his soul? After all, I’m not dead yet! My family hasn’t come up with any, my homo horde has not come up with any, my friends are in the same boat as I am (looking for Mr. Right; finding Mr. All That’s Left!!). I’m beginning to think that men who know how to treat a lady are extinct (or like Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster, no one has been able to prove they really exist!!) But I keep hoping that somewhere out there is my Mister Right. I just hope I find him before I’m too old to see what he looks like!!!

I can’t imagine my life without a dog in it. When I was a child, we were not allowed to have pets in the house. My Mother did not like them or allow them in the house. When I was married the first time, my ex husband did not want the responsibility of a dog. He always promised our youngest daughter that she could have a dog when we finally had a house and he was hopping mad when I made him keep that promise for Samantha’s eighth birthday!!!

Then after my second divorce, my son-in-law got me a puppy for Valentine’s Day. That was my “Angel” and she has been with me for eight years now. When my daughter and son-in-law picked up Angel for me, they ended up getting her brother, Wishbone. Now he lives with Angel and me. As I write this, Wishbone is curled up at my feet and Angel is laying behind my chair.

Dogs bring so much joy to my life (cleaning up poop in the yard, barf on the carpet–O.K. it’s not all fun and games!!!). I don’t understand people who don’t have dogs or want them! They really don’t know what they are missing! People with pets are generally in better health, they have lower blood pressure (unless they have a Jack Russell Terrier-see Set Up To Fail) and they have a purpose.

Dogs accept you just the way you are with all your warts, blemishes, and faults. They don’t care if your hair is standing straight up in the morning (I’m pretty sure mine is caused by sleeping on the top of my head although I haven’t figured out how I manage to get in that position), they don’t care if you look scary without your makeup (who needs a Halloween mask) , they don’t care if you are twenty pounds overweight (they will snack with you anytime), they still love you when you are grumpy, and they don’t care how “successful” you are!!!

If you have ever wanted to know how it feels to be a “movie star”, get yourself a dog. Because every time you come home, you will be treated as if you were one. Wishbone is on the sofa with his front paws up on the arm by the door and it is not just his tail wagging-his WHOLE BODY wags! Angel is right there at the door and her tail and hindquarters are wagging (it”s a little harder for her; she has more to wag than Wishbone). They greet you with an enthusiasm that is hard to match. (Hence, the reason I have dogs and NOT a husband!) Wishbone gets so excited he cannot contain himself and he barks, talks, and sings to me (Thank God he doesn’t pee when he’s excited!!). And here’s the AMAZING part-it doesn’t matter if you have been gone five minutes or five hours or five days–the greeting is the same!!!! I know what it feels like to be Julia Roberts!!

If you can own a dog and still suffer from an extremely low self esteem; PLEASE call Dr. Phil!! You have SERIOUS issues!! To your dog you are the most important person on the planet!! You are the most beautiful creature ever created; you are incredibly intelligent and every word that is uttered from your mouth is profound!! Your very presence brings great joy (Oh keeper of the treats!). So move over Julia Roberts!! Roll out the red carpet—I’m home!!

I have been single for over nine years and on my own. I have learned that I am capable of doing tasks that I always thought were “mens” jobs. So when I bought my house, I was confident in my ability to handle home repairs and small remodeling projects. I bought some “How To” books with plumbing, electrical, and remodeling instructions (step by step with photos). Now I just needed some tools and I would be set.

Now I was surprised to learn that people “stereotype” single women with tools. Even my “gay entourage”! (my son loves power tools and always says that he is a lesbian trapped in a gay man’s body!!!) I admit that I am more comfortable in a pair of jeans than a skirt, and I LIKE comfortable shoes; but does shopping for tools determine a person’s sexual orientation? It’s true that after my two divorces I was somewhat disillusioned with men and I thought that maybe being a lesbian was the way to go (I was convinced that every woman needs a wife; some one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, shops for groceries, and LISTENS when you have something to say!) but I never gave any serious thought to the notion. I vaguely remember that I did find one thing that men were good for (well some of them anyway)!

But I always teased my sister by telling her I needed to find a tool belt. (It is a handy way to ensure that the tools you need are at hand.) Imagine my surprise when I went to the neighborhood garage sale in Columbus in my son’s neighborhood and found the tool belt of my dreams. Gray, suede, enough slots for all the necessary tool items, and a flashlight was included for the bargain price of $2.00!!!!! I don’t think that it helps the stereotype that I bought my tool belt from a very nice lesbian couple who lived around the corner from my son. Now I am set to start my “projects”!

My house was built in 1930 and I decided to pull up the old carpet to see what kind of shape the wood floors were in. This is a job I know! My second ex-husband installs carpet and I have experience!!! I pull out the old carpet (wow, I forgot how much work is involved!) and find that the wood floors are nice but need a little sanding and refinishing. I decided I need to get a belt sander so I put this on my Christmas wish list. Now I should tell you that my sister is totally opposed to getting me this item. For some strange reason, she seems to think I will hurt myself with power tools!! I will admit that I am not the most “graceful” person and I have had some mishaps but she is totally overreacting!!!! She has even gone so far as to tell my son that he cannot keep his power tools in my basement where I have access to them (older sisters can be so “controlling”)!!!

I’m sure that her reaction has nothing to do with me cutting my hand with a kitchen knife when I was trying to cut a watermelon!!! (Thus the reason I am not allowed to cut the tomatoes when we can tomato juice. See Empty Jars and Paybacks.)That is a totally different thing! Watermelon rind is tough to cut through and my kitchen knives are not sharp enough!!!! I love watermelon and am not ready to give it up, so my sister and I go shopping. I think I need to look for a better knife!!! We decide to check out Big Lots and are browsing when I find the perfect solution!!! There is a saw on clearance and I’m sure that baby will make short work of a watermelon rind!!!!

I tell my sister my “revelation” and she is not enthused about my idea. She seems to think I will cut through my watermelon, and countertop, and possibly chop off my hand!!! She really does have a VIVID imagination!!!!! She not only forbids me to buy my “watermelon” saw but she tells me I cannot go shopping in Big Lots BY MYSELF because I can”t be trusted around power tools!!!!! Now she has gone too far. I assure her that I will go to Big Lots without her and I will buy my saw if I want to!!! So she brings out her big guns and threatens to call my son. (Now this is the son I am counting on to take care of me in my old age. This is the son who will take away my car keys when I am no longer able to drive safely.) This is certainly an abuse of power on her part!!!! But what can I do? I agree not to buy the saw.

I know that my sister thinks she has won but I did get a belt sander for Christmas!! She may have won the battle but I WILL win the war!!!!!! I need to go cut my watermelon now. I’m sure my son’s circular saw in the basement will do the job with ease!!!!!!!

I decided to move back to Ohio about four years ago to be around family. (Makes you question my sanity, doesn’t it?) I had been living in Albuquerque, N.M. for fifteen years. My ex husband told me he would place bets that I would be headed back by the beginning of my second winter here. I laughed! I was no wimp. I grew up on a farm in Indiana. I didn’t remember ever being that cold and I played in snow drifts taller than I was.

I moved in April and the first December rolled around. It’s not so cold. No problem! I can handle this. I’m a capable woman. Then January came roaring in!!! The winds howled and the temperature dropped below zero. WHAT WAS I THINKING! I’m going to die in this cold! I can’t feel my legs, my face, my body is numb. Hypothermia is setting in; how sad to die so young!!! And my sister says, “This isn’t so cold. Wait until February. That’s the coldest month.” O.K. I survived, but I don’t know how. And every winter that rolls around, I’m ready to leave for Albuquerque.

Oh, and those snow drifts sure were a lot more fun when I was a kid playing in them. It doesn’t seem so fun when your back aches and you still haven’t even shoveled a path down the driveway!!!

But I stay! (My ex husband will not get the satisfaction of being right!!!) My family laughs at me, “What’s the matter with you? It’s not that cold!” Laugh if you must but I found the solution. I bought a coat from Land’s End that is supposed to keep you warm to 45 degrees below zero. Who cares if I can’t move in it! I will survive!!!