The weatherman is predicting thunderstorms tonight which to other people means we will get some much needed rain. To me it means a sleepless night. My dogs are terrified of thunder. Now I’m not saying they are high strung but–THEY ARE HIGH STRUNG!!! Brother and sister, Wishbone and Angel; they are part Chihauhau and part Jack Russell terrier.

When there is thunder or fireworks (or in my neighborhood-gunshots!), Angel runs from room to room and barks to scare the noise away; Wishbone on the other hand-shakes!!! (It’s like having “Magic Fingers” on the bed without spending any quarters!) And they both pant! It sounds like a marathon obscene phone call!!!! The vet has given me tranquilizers for them but you need to give them two hours prior to the storm for them to take effect. They take these when they have to go for a vet visit and I hate to “drug” them if I can avoid it.

When I do use the tranquilizers, the poor dogs look like they have a hangover for the next 24 hours. They look like I felt when my doctor gave me sleeping pills to try and I felt hung over the next morning. So I spend a lot of sleepless nights since in a normal year, we get a lot of rain!!!! Not so smart to move to the Midwest, (see How Cold Is It) but I never claimed to be “smart”!

It can be comical to see these poor dogs with glazed eyes and I know what they want to say, “Wow, don’t eat that cheese. We got some BAD cheese!!!” Angel lays on the floor and I know she is watching the room spin! Wishbone is glued to my side or climbs in my lap. Angel gets up and looks at the sofa and says’ “Whoa, that is a long way up. Nope! I can’t make that jump!!!!” and lays back down on the floor. Wishbone stands up and tries to walk and says, ” No way! I can’t feel my legs!!!” and climbs back in my lap. Let’s just say, It’s a good thing they aren’t required to walk a straight line for the cops!!!!!

They look at me as if to say, “That’s some good stuff!!!! I’m seeing in color!!” So I start to wonder–When dogs hallucinate; what do they see?? Giant cats? Dog eating squirrels?? Cars small enough to catch??? And then of course, there is the munchies they get. “DUDE!!! I need some Milk Bones or something. I need to EAT!!!!!! Next thing I know they will be hooked and trying to score some Acepromazine from the neighbor dogs!!! (How many milk bones for some of that FUNKY CHEESE?)

I wanted to paint a picture for you so you will recognize the signs if your dog is stoned! This is your dog on drugs!!!! DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR DOG!!!!!!!

So I bought my Land’s End coat and all is well. Right? Not so much. It does help to keep me warm in the winter but I can’t wear it to the store. It’s so hot in the store with that coat on that I’m sure one day I will come to on the floor and the rescue squad will be there and the paramedic will be giving me mouth to mouth! (Please God, let him be a hunk).

So one day last winter, I was home for lunch. I know-how exciting but it gets better. I come home for lunch to let the dogs out and some days (contain your excitement and jealousy about how much fun my life is!) I get out the scooper and do poop patrol in the back yard.

I cleaned up the poop and headed to the garage with my aromatic bag of doo doo to put it in the trash can. I catch my foot on the place where the concrete is just a little bit higher and splatter my self on the concrete floor. The bag of poop goes flying as I go flying. Fortunately, I don’t land in the doo doo!!!

But here is the really scary OCD part. As I’m falling, I’m not thinking; “I hope I don’t break a bone.” I’m thinking, “Keep your head up and don’t hit it on the floor or you might pass out and BE LATE GETTING BACK TO WORK!!!!!!! I’m working on the script. This will be the scariest scene ever in a Horror movie!

So I’m laying there on the floor and I’m thinking how fortunate that I’m basically wrapped in cotton batting with this Land’s End down filled coat on and I’m wondering how I am going to get up in this coat. I can’t move with this coat on and then I realize—I’m the little brother in “A Christmas Story“.

The dogs come running in and I know; “Here they are to rescue me (I always knew a crisis would bring out the Lassie in them. What is it girl? Did Timmy fall in the well?) They come running to my rescue, sniff me and look at each other as if to say, “What the hell is she doing lying on the floor and who is going to get us our treat for coming out here in this freezing weather”! Well, I’m sure they would come through if I fell in a well!!!!

But I managed to get off the floor and back to work on time which is really all that matters when you are a little OCD. And, yes, the dogs did get their treat!

I decided to move back to Ohio about four years ago to be around family. (Makes you question my sanity, doesn’t it?) I had been living in Albuquerque, N.M. for fifteen years. My ex husband told me he would place bets that I would be headed back by the beginning of my second winter here. I laughed! I was no wimp. I grew up on a farm in Indiana. I didn’t remember ever being that cold and I played in snow drifts taller than I was.

I moved in April and the first December rolled around. It’s not so cold. No problem! I can handle this. I’m a capable woman. Then January came roaring in!!! The winds howled and the temperature dropped below zero. WHAT WAS I THINKING! I’m going to die in this cold! I can’t feel my legs, my face, my body is numb. Hypothermia is setting in; how sad to die so young!!! And my sister says, “This isn’t so cold. Wait until February. That’s the coldest month.” O.K. I survived, but I don’t know how. And every winter that rolls around, I’m ready to leave for Albuquerque.

Oh, and those snow drifts sure were a lot more fun when I was a kid playing in them. It doesn’t seem so fun when your back aches and you still haven’t even shoveled a path down the driveway!!!

But I stay! (My ex husband will not get the satisfaction of being right!!!) My family laughs at me, “What’s the matter with you? It’s not that cold!” Laugh if you must but I found the solution. I bought a coat from Land’s End that is supposed to keep you warm to 45 degrees below zero. Who cares if I can’t move in it! I will survive!!!